The Shy Paradox
If life is like a game of double Dutch, then the first and sometimes best jumpers are the bold people. It’s not the same if you are shy. Shy people hesitate. They jump in at the wrong time or mess up their exit. Then, it takes a while before they try again. Some never do, and some never try in the first place. However, some try again and again, as long as it takes — even if it means they literally have to learn the ropes — until they know themselves to be jumpers, and possibly the very best.
Shyness, like so many other things in life, begins when the amygdala perceives a threat or a stressor and tells the nervous system to activate the “fight or flight” response. Before you even know it, you are fully equipped with super-speed, strength, alertness and focus. But the amygdala relies on perception and experience, because there is no time to establish certainty. If a giant tree starts falling in your general direction, you don’t stop to calculate its trajectory. You run like the wind until you know you can stop. Then, when the “rest and digest” response is activated, you can go check on that tree. However, the response is real, even when the danger is not. For shy people, this instinct comes with a sting, because what makes it possible for you to fight an angry bear also makes it impossible for you to speak in front of 10 loving friends. This happens more often to shy people because their brains are more sensitive, but it can happen to anybody because it is part of being human. If you are a shy person, you may experience the physical effects of this adrenaline rush along with those of shyness: racing heart and palpitations, trembling, paling, flushing or blushing, dizziness, butterflies, nausea, sweating, stammering, and tunnel vision. Not only are you experiencing general discomfort, but it is also harder to hear, see, form a thought, speak or do anything properly. While this is happening, the shy person is also flooded by waves of emotions — embarrassment, fear, loneliness, sadness and others — and attacked by a seemingly endless, erratic succession of negative thoughts about the situation, other people, yourself, and the possibility of ever finding a way out. Being so lost in your self-conscious experience has a dazzling effect; it becomes impossible to be present in the moment, much less do anything about it.
The catch
The catch 22 of shyness is this: You can’t socialize if you don’t have social skills, and you can’t develop social skills unless you socialize. And the more you try, the harder it gets. Living with shyness often leads to misunderstandings, inertia, negative cycles, self-fulfilling prophecies and other self-defeating patterns. Sometimes, even if someone offers to help, it just makes matters worse. There is something paradoxical about shy people, and for the shy, life often feels like a paradox. And so, in a sense, the shy person turns the “fight” on themselves. What other people actually see is: reaction, action and inaction. Shy people are often viewed as rude, aloof, arrogant or weird, when in reality they are too embarrassed to speak or maintain eye-contact with others. These lead to social rejection, ridicule and other negative reactions. Shy people’s behaviors, says sociologist Susie Scott, break social expectations. Shy people’s actions are often misunderstood and judged harshly. Even when you try to hide your shyness, it is still extremely hard to move, speak or think properly. These attempts backfire, according to Scott, because shy behavior itself is self-discrediting. Accordingly, shy people’s inactions are yet another source of irony. When a shy person does nothing in order to avoid further embarrassment, they are scorned or rejected. This is especially true in Western societies, which favor outgoing, assertive behaviors.
Shy people don’t quite enjoy the benefits of solitude as introverted, non-shy people do. They ruminate over things that other people have long forgotten, internalize problems and blame themselves for things that are beyond their control or responsibility. They carry the emotional burden of guilt, shame, loneliness, sadness and many others, and then call it “the story of my life”. Psychologist Philip Zimbardo, who conducted the famous Stanford Prison Experiment in the 1970’s, has described the shy person as both prisoner and guard in their own self-imposed prison. Shy people have a combination of high expectations and low self-esteem; they are often their own worst critics. This unrelenting existence on both ends of this criticism is both exhausting and painful. Sociologist Herbert Mead named the two parts of the self “I” and “me”. The “me” represents society as we perceive it, and the “I” reacts to it. This, says Scott, shows ambivalence toward social visibility.
Becoming shy
So, where do all the shy people come from? Zimbardo says that about 15–20% of newborns have an inhibited temperament, which may be perceived as shy, but parenting styles and early labeling have more to do with whether or not you actually become a shy adult. Shyness can occur even much later in life, and it rarely has anything to do with your genes. Exactly how many shy people are there out there? We will never know for sure. Around half the population considers themselves to be shy, therefore our wild guesstimate is that there are over 3.5 billion shy people in the world today — but you’ll never hear it from them.
It’s easier to become shy these days, and easier to manage shyness — but only to an extent. Shy people still struggle to be themselves and achieve their goals in a world designed for extroverts. But attitudes change over time and place; sociologist Patricia McDaniel has shown how women’s movements have turned shyness from an attractive trait into a weakness. In some Asian and European cultures, on the other hand, shy people are viewed as good-natured, modest, well-mannered, socially responsible and committed. The long-overdue transformation in attitude toward shyness is easier to imagine nowadays because all you need is people who will speak up. But shy people don’t usually speak up, and they have reservations about either receiving or asking for help. It is difficult to reach out when it is about being shy, and you are so shy about being shy.
Imagine all the wasted time, energy and creativity; imagine all the unfulfilled potential of shy people as friends, partners, parents, students, workers, artists and leaders. But some aspects of the world aren’t accessible to shy people, and this needs to change. So does the way everybody perceives shyness — including shy people. When people are allowed to be themselves and live up to their true potentials, the world becomes a better, more balanced place.
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